Some people are great, practical people who have a Notes document at the ready at all times to type in those little gift idea tidbits they’ve picked up from conversations throughout the year. Other people ignore the Dumpster fire of emotional turmoil that can be the holiday gift shopping period until the very last minute, regretting it deeply yet never quite learning from their mistakes. That’s real. But when have we ever not had your back? Exactly. Here are 10 nifty gift ideas for every budget that you can purchase online right now so they’ll arrive just in time for the holidays, greatly pleasing the gift’s recipient but mostly soothing your own stress-shredded soul. Let’s go!

(above image: the great Goldie in his Metalheadz Christmas sweater)

JOANNE THE SCAMMER X KATE PROULX DOORMAT

Not all family dinners end with turtleneck group shot moments, unfortunately. Gifting this amazing Joanne The Scammer ‘Get Out of My Caucasian House’ doormat to the friend with the problematic uncle or shady aunt will allow them to save their precious breath showing anyone the door this holiday season. What makes it even better: 50% of all proceeds will be donated to the ACLU. (€47)

PAT MCGRATH LABS METALMORPHOSIS 005

Pat McGrath’s work is the stuff of legends (check out some of her iconic make-up for Galliano’s Dior via @diorinthe2000s) so every beauty stan would keel over from receiving McGrath’s new ‘Metalmorphosis 005’ kit (€56) on Christmas or any other fabulous festivity your family celebrates. It’s available in four metallic shades, super pigmented and perfect for the hols.

IIUVO CANDLES

If you have a minimal friend where you never really know when you’re visiting what you can sit on and what’s actually a planter/pedestal: get them a IIUVO candle (€60). The founders of the brand are two great dudes from London, Tomi Ahmed & Leo Gibbon, who answer “Rick Rubin” when asked who they’d want to be for a day. Plus they have a candle called ‘BULLSHIT’, which you probably should just get for yourself and ostentatiously light when people aren’t keeping it real with you. Available in-store at SMETS & via www.iiuvo.com

WEEKDAY COAT & SCARF

Weekday is the younger sibling to H&M and the ideal store to check out if your I-grew-70-inches-in-a-year niece or nephew will be attending the function. The ‘Eternity’ print scarf (€20) is perfect for them to bury their face in and avoid actually speaking. I’ve also tried on this canary puffa jacket (€100) and it’s a comfy dream (also available in black). When you buy from WEEKDAY’s online gift shop, 5% of sales will be donated to Civil Rights Defenders. If you want to fondle your potential gift IRL first, just nip down to Antwerp where they have just opened their first Belgian store.

STEVEN MEISEL ‘FLOWERS’ CALENDAR 2017

A good calendar is hard to find and hardly anyone likes to get one. Unless it’s a limited edition piece of art by Steven Meisel for Loewe and has the most beautiful bouquets to adorn your walls with. It was designed by M/M Paris and pays homage to the work of British floral artist Constance Spry. Since it costs €250, you might want to Post-It a disclaimer on it saying “Scribble your birthday on this with a marker and you’ll never see your next one”.

LUKA SABBAT FITS

Model and stylist Luka Sabbat’s closet is bursting at the seams and you can come get you some. He’s selling his Vetements, Supreme, Stüssy, Yeezy Season 1 and more on Depop for great prices so copping a piece as a gift will score you unadulterated adulation from your Secret Santa recipient. And since 2016 was also officially the year of ‘like, realizing stuff’ why not also commemorate it with a Kylie tee? Both options are great for the Yeezy crew member manqué in your life. (The Kylie Shop opens online on 10/12.)

‘WOOKIEE COMMUNICATION GUIDE’ VIA BOLLE BAZAR

Kids love two things: sugar-coated anything and Star Wars. Your littlest relatives are going to lose it when they shred the paper off of this Wookiee communication guide (€18,95). They will be booming “AUUUUGHHAARRGH” through the house all day but that’s for their parents to deal with. Pro tip: check out all the handpicked things Bolle Bazar has to offer on their site, you could literally find a cute gift for every person you know there.

BALENCIAGA WATERPROOF COAT

The only thing that will be raining down are tears of joy if you gift a fashion fiend one of these Balenciaga raincoats (€795). A concept: pulling the hood over your face, blocking off all unwanted interactions but no one will mind because they’re mesmerized by the cut and Balenciaga-ness of your outfit. Bliss. Available for preorder now, shipping on 15/12.

‘SWING TIME’ BY ZADIE SMITH

This book has been getting all the rave reviews since it came out last month so if you’re looking to please a one-book-a-week type of friend, this new Zadie Smith novel (€15) is what you’ll want to bet on. The official synopsis?

“Two brown girls dream of being dancers - but only one, Tracey, has talent. The other has ideas: about rhythm and time, about black bodies and black music, what constitutes a tribe, or makes a person truly free. It's a close but complicated childhood friendship that ends abruptly in their early twenties, never to be revisited, but never quite forgotten, either...”

BEYONCÉ’S ‘I SLEIGH ALL DAY’ HOODIE

I mean. Of course. Get the kelly green one here (€54), there's more where that came from here.

So there you have it, the keys to the castle. A holiday season for the ages. Spread joy, don’t forget to contribute to a charity of your choice and in the words of the most elusive of chanteuses: